I don't know when It happened. My mine started racing, and everything felt wrong. I felt uneasy, my heart was pounding, and I was flush. My body went numb from head to toe. More frantic and racing thoughts of terror and dread as each thought shot a wave of numbness over me. I couldn't find a way out, there was no escaping this. Now everything is wrong. Time, life, reasoning, all that I thought I knew was shifting and reality was no longer there.
This is a panic attack. It is very real, and my mind has become a battlefield. It is the single most terrifying thing I have been through. Nothing is wrong, but my brain is misfiring, or just going to fast that every situation that has been bothering me, the stress and worry, the things that scare become overwhelming. I am going to die. This is it, this is not right.
Panic attacks affect more then 6 million Americans in recent studies. That is 18.1 percent of Americans. It is said that: "Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life". So why do I feel alone in all this. Why does if feel like my mind is the battlefield and everything going on is a struggle to maintain control and composure.
I am not crazy. I am sane. I have a beautiful fiancee, wonderful kids, and even some great pets. So why do I think that I am going crazy. I know I'm not but I feel very uneasy at times and out of place. Why all of a sudden, I haven't had this issue since I was 16.
These are constant thoughts I fight with. I know that nothing is wrong. I know whats up, whats down, and which way to put my underwear on. So why all of a sudden these feelings. I guess it is my minds way of dealing with the stress and things that I don't take care of on my own. I refuse to, or don't know how to cope and move on, so my mind is over compensating. I have always been afraid of death. Since I was a little kid. I think about it more then most "normal" people would. Where do I go when I die. Up or down? Do I just no longer exsist? If there is a God, (and yes, I believe there is) what does he say about all this? I know that am a imperfect man. I have sinned, and constantly do. I know that God is a holy God and cannot look upon sin. I know that sin has to be punished, and rather then God punishing me he sent his only son to take the punishment I rightly deserve, and choose to redeem me through the death and resurrection of his Son Jesus Christ. "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."(John 14:7) For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."(Romans 6:23) "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast."(Ephesians 2:8-9). It took a cross to show me that God in all his love would die for my mistakes, my sins, so I could be spotless and blameless. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."(John 15:16)
That is my hope. That is what I hold fast too. I know I fall short, but I know as far is the east is from the west is as far as He as removed my sins. It is done, that's all there is. So I hold fast to these words. I hold fast to the promises that have been given my from my Savior. I live this life day to day on grace and thanksgiving that I have just one more day. Am I suicidal? Absolutely not. I love my life, and my malfunctioning brain. There will be problems, and stress, and difficulty in this life. It was told that these things would happen. There is also the promise not to fear when they come, because He has overcome the world. If Christ is for me, who can be against me? I can die when it is appointed for me to die. It says we all have a day we are appointed to die. I don't have to live in the fear of that day because on that day I will see my Creator and redeemer face to face. It will be a place where there is no more fears, or panic attacks, or anxieties. A place that I am worthy to be in only because Jesus gave His life that I could see it. It is a constant struggle, and somethings I really think I am going to loose it. Yet I know He is in control. This will pass, and I am not in fact the only one going through these fears and anxieties.
There are so many people that have and continue to help me in this life that I love dearly. I know that I would not be here today if it was not for them. To them who love, care, and even put up with me (I love you babe!) I thank you. I hope my struggles, and my fears, and phobias, and downfalls can help someone else out going through Panic Disorder. You are not the only one, and you are not going crazy. It takes time to heal, to learn to think about better things, to change your thought process and ultimately, turn to a Savior who loves and cares for you. Panic attacks effect everyone. I get them from time to time, but mild versions. I can see them coming and when I start feeling uneasy I praise the Lord, pray and rebuke it, and move on. I hold fast to the promises of Christ and know ultimately, even if this is my time to go, I will see him. I don't look foward to death, because I would miss the ones I love, and my children, and I want to see them grow up and have a great life, and to know the Lord. Yet there is peace in knowing what happens when it is my time.
